Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2008 Preview

Now that the Ed Fringe website has finally started to play nice after a week of playing 'hide and seek' it's time we did our first run through of what we hope to see this year. At the moment we're aiming for around 30 shows but there's no guarantee we'll get to see all of them due to time restrictions. But these are the shows we'll be making an effort to see...

As always the Traverse is a great place to start for theatre at the Fringe and we'll be catching 3 of their shows early on to take advantage of the "2 for 1" offers on the first Sunday/Monday. "Free Outgoing" caught our attention with its look at moral and cultural outrage ( review now posted ) and "Fall" ( review now posted ) has an intriguing premise and a strong cast. The description of "Finished with Engines" as a "blackly satirical hatchet job" ensured our attendance ( review now posted ), and we hope to catch "Deep Cut" later in its run. ( review now posted )

We never like to strongly recommend shows without having seen them but Nonsenseroom's "Romeo & Juliet" out at Rosslyn Chapel is the exception. ( review now posted ) It's not just that we've had an excellent track record with them (including last year's "Ballad of James II") it's the 'Special Performances' they are doing on the 9th, 16th and 23rd that really make the difference. These include "a preshow drink, a post-show buffet with more drinks, as well as a chance to meet the cast and crew and find out a bit more about the show and Rosslyn Chapel." We're pretty confident the 'standard' weeknight shows will still be well worth the trip out to Roslin, but the 'Special Performances' really make it an event.

There's a bit of a historical theme to the next few shows we're hoping to see, starting with "My Grandfather's Great War" ( review now posted ) and then moving on to the horrors of the gas chambers in "The Factory" but given the likely intensity of that one we'll need to schedule it carefully ( review now posted ). We also have "White Rose" about student resistance in Nazi Germany (Sadly we couldn't fit this one in) and finally "Restitution" which features one man's quest to recover his family's painting which was stolen by the Nazis. ( review now posted )

Okay, after that lot we'll need to lighten up a little... so we'll be hitting the Musicals and Comedy sections of the programme. Last year Markus Birdman was a last minute gap-filler for us, but we ended up enjoying his stand-up immensely so we'll be back for his new show "Sympathy for the Devil" this year ( review now posted ). After a slow start "The Butler Did It?!" really hit the mark and gave me one of my most memorable moments from last year's Fringe. Then it was a comedic play with a couple of musical set pieces but they have gone a stage further this year and it's now "The Butler Did It?! - The Musical" and I'll be interested to see how it has turned out (not sure if we'll now manage to get to this one). I first suggested seeing "Plague! The Musical" as a bit of a joke but their impressive website has convinced me that it's certainly worth a look (review now posted). Rounding off our musical plans there's "Zanna, Don't!" from the RSAMD students Returning to comedy, sadly there is no new Rebus McTaggart show this year but last year's Rebus McTaggart:Crimewarrior does return for one week only and is a 'must see' if you didn't catch it last time round.

One of the aspects of the Fringe I enjoy most are the shows that fall under the label of "quirky" and I think most of these hold promise... "Call for the Condemned" set in Hell's call centre ( review now posted ), "The Third Condiment" about a new alternative to salt and pepper ( review now posted ), post-nuclear office politics in "After the End" (Please note - this show has been cancelled), "Sword of Maximum Damage" set in the world of role-playing games ( review now posted )and the near-future set "Involution" ( review now posted ). Describing it as a 'sci-fi comedy thriller' puts "Comic Potential" firmly in with the quirky (sadly unable to fit this one in), as does "Creation and All That Jazz" being described as a 'whistle stop tour through evolution' ( review now posted ).

I'm also a sucker for shows with a political edge or setting such as "Time Bomb" set in 2017 ( review now posted ), Macbeth does Westminster in "Golden" ( review now posted ), an Iraqi immigrant's tale in "Dirt" (unfortunately missed due to a run shorter than we realised) , a look at the (miss)use of spin in "Answers" (Review now posted), and the conflict between art and politics in both "Patriot Act" ( review now posted ) and "Army of Reason" ( review now posted ).

So, what does that leave? Well, "On The Waterfront" comes with a strong reputation, and I'm looking forward to "Stolen Secrets" ( review now posted ) from Fin Kennedy's school group that brought us last year's "Mehndi Night". "The Bird" ( review posted ) & "The Bee" ( review posted )are a pair of interlinked tales that caught our eye, so we'll certainly see one and take it from there, and although it's part of the Edinburgh International Festival rather than the Fringe we'll be rounding things off with the National Theatre of Scotland's new show "365" about children passing through the care system ( review posted ).

We'll update this post with any additional shows that grab our attention, and our Tips for Fringe Goers post from last year giving general Fringe advice is still available.

"The Shoemaker's Wonderful Wife" - June 2008

As readers may know, during the 'regular' "A Play, A Pie & A Pint" season at Oran Mor I made the effort to see the shows that caught my interest on a Wednesday - a) it's half price, and b) it gives anyone reading our thoughts on the show a chance to see it for themselves. But with these "Corona Classic Cuts" we've been seeing them on a Saturday as Waldorf has been keen to make it along - which rules out midweek trips. So, I feel the need to apologise at the start of this post - because as with last week's 'King Lear', I'm about to tell you that this was an absolute cracker of a show - and that it has now finished its run. Sorry.

Roxana Silbert has done a great job of adapting Frederico Garcia Lorca's original in a manner that amuses while remaining acutely observational. It has much to say about the value of reputation and also about our failure to appreciate what we have. But the text is only part of the story here - there's so much more. Rosie Kellagher's direction brings a very poetic and balletic feel to it - particularly with the enhancement of on stage percussion. At times it feels like a marvelously musicless musical.

We have three incredibly strong performances from Callum Cuthbertson, Sarah McCardie and Keith Fleming (fresh from his CATS Awards success). Cuthbertson is wonderfully downcast as the Shoemaker but later sparks to life as 'the Puppetmaster' while McCardie swings beautifully and believably between outrageous flirt and screaming harpie. Lumbered with playing "Everyone Else", Fleming pulls it off magnificently - particularly as the grotesque mayor and the young boy, although his Pythonesque female roles were also a joy.

While consistently funny it isn't all laughs and includes some genuinely touching moments. This was a brilliant piece of high-energy madcap theatre and I defy anyone to have left the performance without a smile on their face.

Next week sees the last of the Corona Classic Cuts at Oran Mor - "Anthony & Cleopatra"
Image by Leslie Black used with permission

"Swindle & Death" - June 2008

Although Scottish theatre tends to quieten down in June and July before the feeding frenzy that is the Fringe, The Tron have put together an interesting programme for that lull period. Whilst booking tickets for 'Oh! What A Lovely War', 'Swindle & Death' by Mull Theatre caught our eye. Since they've been "Touring Scotland since 1707" (S&D, not Mull Theatre - according to the programme they've only been around since 1966) it's about time we saw their work.

Statler obviously knew people who write about theatre would get it in the neck during this, so bowed out of attending. So a theatre novice was dragged along at the last minute to see a show about the theatre. It was an interesting to see how she would cope with the 'in jokes'. To be honest, a lot of it probably went over her head, but what was left was still enough to make it an enjoyable night.

The Brigadoon-esque fictional company give a portrayal of Scottish historical events and Shakespearean melodrama as you've never quite seen it before. Wobbly sets, curtains that don't quite meet and acting that make the set look good. But this all hides a darker truth behind the scenes of what the reality of the company's longevity is. Helen McAlpine give a good performance as the newcomer Marjorie, who's hiding her own reason for auditioning for the company. Whilst Barrie Hunter Malcolm/Malefice is suitably menacing and crass in equal measure. The eponymous heroes of Swindle (Hamish Wilson) and Death (Andrew Dallmeyer) provide the guiding hand to the motley crew, with an almost good cop/bad cop style. However the most humour, and sympathy is for Angela (Sarah Haworth), who you're quite happily laughing at, until you realise quite how 'touched' she is.

There are some nice particular barbs at those who sit scribbling throughout performances (I'd like to state for the record that the day I start taking notes through a show, it's the last performance I'll go to) and the need for theatre to be educational and inclusive - illustrated well with a very nice speech by Mary Queen of Scots. It did wander a little at times, and the (deliberate) lack of polish started to wear a little thin in parts, but overall it was an enjoyable evening and that's what I took from 'Swindle & Death'. Remember why you actually pay your money and go - it's to enjoy yourself.

"Swindle & Death" has completed its run at The Tron but continues on an extensive tour.

Image by Douglas Robertson used with permission

Critics Awards for Theatre in Scotland announced

Yesterday saw the presentation ceremony for the Critics Awards for Theatre in Scotland at Oran Mor. As I mentioned when the nominations were announced I was particularly pleased to see "The Wall" feature in a couple of categories and I'm delighted that it went on to win the award for Best Ensemble. Of course the main story of the results is the absolute triumph of "Peer Gynt" winning four categories (Best Director, Best Production, Best Male Performance(s) and Best Design) Just shows what we know! Congratulations to the recipients of all the awards.

"King Lear" - June 2008

Over recent weeks I've come to appreciate just how great a venue downstairs at Oran Mor is. Partly it's the 'regular' audience and the enthusiasm they bring with them (and the Pie and Pint surely help) but it's also the physical space itself. The low ceiling adds a level of compression and intensity that a bigger space can lack. But everything I've seen there previously has been largely comic, and I've often wondered if the 'comedy club' vibe would work for a serious play. With this week's "King Lear" I doubt I could have come up with a sterner test - yet it passed with flying colours.

I'm really not familiar with the full text but what Paddy Cuneen has achieved in his adaptation of the play cut down to 45 minutes is pretty incredible. The reduced plot is concise and coherent - so much so that I'm sure I would now find watching a 'full' version intolerable slow and bloated.

Cara Kelly brilliantly makes Goneril more sympathetic than she has any right to - while her actions can't be condoned it's impossible not to appreciate her genuine difficulties and frustrations in handling Lear. Jennifer Hainey as Regan brings an air of superiority approaching smugness that fits perfectly with the character. Danielle Stewart's Cordelia doesn't have the opportunity to make a real impact but as the Fool she gives a wonderful performance with an almost tangible warmth for Lear. I've always believed that great performances come from the eyes and Stewart exemplifies this beautifully here. And then we have Micheal Mackenzie's King Lear - perfectly combining moments of powerful rage and quiet distress.

The audience were clearly impressed with the piece and it's a pity the staging makes it difficult for the cast to be brought back for a second curtain call - they certainly deserved one and I'm not sure we were a million miles away from the beginnings of a standing ovation - and I'm not sure I wouldn't have joined in.

"King Lear" has now completed its run. Next week's Corona Classic Cut is "The Shoemaker's Wonderful Wife"

Image by Leslie Black used with permission

"The Way of the World" - June 2008

Although the regular "A Play, A Pie and A Pint" season has ended, Oran Mor have cleverly extended it with a short series of "Corona Classic Cuts" where rather than showing new writing, we have a series of classic plays trimmed down in time and scale to suit the lunchtime slot. And yes, you do still get the Pie and the Pint.

In an entertaining prologue Tam Dean Burn, who has adapted the text from William Congreve's, explains that there is a plot - 'but not a lot'. And it is really rather thin, but then it isn't the plot that is of interest here - it's the verbal sparring between Mirabel and Millamant. Just how much of their independent lives and pleasures are they prepared to sacrifice to be together? What we get is really a humorous negotiation of marriage vows. Johnny Austin and Carmen Pieraccini both give strong performances in the lead roles with Pierraccini delivering a brave unaccompanied vocal performance very impressively. I'm afraid Tam Dean Burn's character of Wilfull pushed all the wrong buttons for me and I found him more irritating than anything else, but his delightful prologue and audience interaction made up for that.

Burn, as adapter and director, has created a nice little piece of playful theatre - with some fantastic costuming thrown in for good measure. It doesn't take itself too seriously and doesn't ask us to either. Fun - if a little forgettable.

"The Way of the World" has now completed its run at Oran Mor - Further Corona Classic Cuts are "King Lear", "The Shoemaker's Wonderful Wife" and "Anthony & Cleopatra"
Image by Leslie Black used with permission

"Call it Sleep" - May 2008

This week's production in the "A Play, A Pie and A Pint" season at Oran Mor is "Call it Sleep", written and directed by Brian Pettifer whose acting had impressed us in "The Drawer Boy". Here he has written a genuinely entertaining piece that the lunchtime audience clearly enjoyed, but it's also hugely flawed.

The setting is a fourth floor flat on Hogmanay as mother and daughter reminisce about the past. The focus is mainly on the questioning of Susan (Kim Gerard) about the previous boyfriends of her mother Rosie (Juliet Cadzow). The problem is that what we essentially get is Susan simply acting as a spark for Rosie to rant humourously about the men who have come and gone in her life. Cadzow gives a strong performance full of energy and edge, but Pettifer's direction that much of her delivery is at the audience, combined with his gag-a-minute writing, makes it seem much more like a stand up routine than a play. The approach to comedy here is really full-on, throwing absolutely everything at the audience, and much of it is very funny and also includes a couple of I-can't-believe-she-just-said-that moments. While some jokes miss the mark there is more than enough momentum to keep the laughter going until the next one hits home.

Unfortunately the consequence of going all out for laughs is that the plot and characters take a back seat. Susan is largely the straight man to first Rosie and then later Mike (Sean Scanlan), and it's a shame that we never get beyond that as Gerard's excellent performance hints at there being much more depth to her. In fact Susan is the one well-defined character in the piece as both Rosie and Mike are more caricature than anything else. Scanlan takes over delivering the laughs when he arrives and it's very much in a similar direct manner as Rosie. Again, it's performed well but it's all so forcefully comic that I was constantly expecting rimshots.

Of course there is nothing wrong with aiming for laughs - especially when you hit as often as Pettifer does, but it's clear he was also aiming for something else. Indeed the play's title comes from a 60 second section of the show where for once the laughs stop. But it's *so* out of step with the rest of the show that it has little impact and less relevance. It isn't just that questions go unanswered here, it's that many of them go unasked - characters' motivations for life changing decisions simply aren't considered.

If you go to this hoping to have your brain stimulated then I suspect many will leave unsatisfied, but if you go into it wanting to be entertained you won't be disappointed. I'm sure this will keep them laughing at Oran Mor all week long and it deserves a life afterwards - with a little more work it would sit perfectly on the theatre/comedy border that can prove so popular at the Fringe.

'Call it Sleep' runs at Oran Mor until 31st May

Image by Leslie Black used with permission.

"The Last of Us" - May 2008

Pamela Carter's "The Last of Us" as part of Oran Mor's 'A Play, A Pie and a Pint' programme puts an interesting new spin on 'staying together for the sake of the kids'. It presents us with 'Chew' and 'Ming', potentially the last two Yangtze river dolphins in existence and asks us to consider their competing responsibilities - to themselves and the future of their species. On paper it sounds a bit 'out there' but it works surprisingly well.

It's helped by a rather differently set up Oran Mor than usual. Staged in-the-round with a catwalk style raised platform in the centre it allows the play to be almost as much about movement as dialogue. An effective soundscape reminds us that we're underwater, although it could benefit from a little more creative lighting.

David Ireland's cautious and intellectual 'Chew' has been alone for some time before he meets Mary Gapinski's 'Ming' who although low in self esteem has more of a sense of adventure. Both Ireland and Gapinski do well in portraying their dolphin characters while also cleverly allowing the mask to slip at times revealing more familiar human relationships.

It's more wry smiles than laugh-a-minute material but there's plenty here to entertain, and the dolphins' sense of superiority over pandas is a genuine highlight. At around 40 minutes it's shorter than the usual 50 minute plays that form Oran Mor's season - perhaps it could have done with an added 10 minute final scene giving the slandered pandas a righty of reply.

"The Last of Us" runs at Oran Mor until Saturday 24th May

Image by Leslie Black used with permission

Scottish Theatre Awards shortlists

The winners of the 2007-2008 Critics Awards for Theatre in Scotland aren't announced until mid June but today sees the release of the shortlists for each of the ten awards. Despite our invite to the discussions obviously being lost in the post, we're pleased to see recognition for many of the shows we've enjoyed in the last year... but we still don't understand the fuss about "Peer Gynt".

We managed to see three of the four nominations for Best Male Performance - Tam Dean Burn (for "Venus as a Boy"), Michael Glenn Murphy (for "Shining City") and a shared nomination for Keith Fleming and Gerry Mulgrew (as the younger and older versions of "Peer Gynt"). Murphy's inclusion here is the second year running Rapture Theatre Co have had one of their lead actors receive a nomination, so well done to all there as they have been one of our favourite companies over the last few years. The big surprise here for me is the omission of Alan Cumming (for "The Bacchae").

In the Best Female Performance category I enjoyed seeing Amy Manson (in "Six Characters in Search of an Author") and Sally Reid (in "The Wall"). I'm also delighted to see "The Wall" receive two other nominations for Best New Play and Best Ensemble. For Best New Play it's competitors include "Educating Agnes" which we also really enjoyed and for Best Ensemble they include "Peer Gynt" (which gathered 6 nominations altogether).

The Lyceum's "Wizard of Oz" rightly received a nomination for Best Production for Children and Young People, although given the reception it got at the time I'm surprised it didn't feature in more categories.

The awards are presented at a ceremony at Glasgow's Oran Mor on June 15th and tickets are available for £15.

Upcoming plans

Although this time of year tends to be a little quieter for us (a chance to catch our breath before the mayhem of the Edinburgh Fringe) we've recently booked up for a few things that are worth highlighting...
Oran Mor's "A Play, A Pie & A Pint" season has a couple of plays remaining with "The Last of Us" (review now posted) starting on Monday 19th May and then "Call it Sleep" (review now posted) starting the following week. The second of these was written by Brian Pettifer and if his writing is half as good as his acting it could be a treat.

We'll be back at the Tron in June for Mull Theatre's "Swindle & Death" which is also on tour. The Tron is also the new venue for the Scottish Youth Theatre's Summer Festival production - "Oh What A Lovely War" at the start of August. These are always popular productions so book early if this interests you (and when I say 'early' I mean book now).

We're still a while away from the launch of the Fringe programme but the Edinburgh International Festival announced it's programme a while back. We're not quite ready to delve into the foreign language productions but the National Theatre of Scotland's "365" written by David Harrower grabbed our attention.

Back in Glasgow we hope to fit in a show or two from The West End Festival from 13th to 29th June (especially if we can borrow a dog from somewhere!) and Shakespeare in the City Festival at The Arches.

And looking a little further ahead the National Theatre of Scotland have announced their July 08 - Jan 09 programme which has several new shows we plan on seeing. We'll post in more detail nearer the time, but before then the NTS are also giving those in Aberdeen, Inverness and New York the chance to see Alan Cumming's magnificent performance in "The Bacchae" in June/July.

Oh yes - one more thing for those of you in or around London: Don't forget to book up for Black Watch at the Barbican between 20th june and 26th July.

And of course we'll be posting our annual Fringe Preview of the shows that have caught our eye sometime in mid June.

"Zarraberri" & "Limbo" - May 2008

This week's "A Play, A Pie and A Pint" at Oran Mor is a departure from the usual format in that it features two short plays of just under 30 minutes. They are by Spanish authors - Maite Perez Larumbe (Zarraberri) and Victor Iriarte (Limbo) and both pieces have been translated by Chris Dolan. The results are somewhat mixed.

"Zarraberri" sees John Kazek as Alfonso, trying to persuade the residents of small town Zarraberri to accept an iconic new building - and to come up with a tourist attraction to fill it. But the locals represented by Simon Scott and Ros Sydney may have their own plans for the building. Unfortunately the whole piece falls rather flat - the Spanish setting/characters really don't work with the Scottish language and it feels like a decent 5 minute sketch extended far beyond it's capacity to entertain. At times it's more like a successful improv session than a play that's been carefully crafted - it did get some laughter in the audience but it was pretty subdued and I only managed a single chuckle myself.

Fortunately "Limbo" is very much a return to form and Iriarte and Dolan have created something which despite retaining it's Spanish 'setting' doesn't overplay it and reaches out with themes familiar to it's audience. This time Kazek finds himself recently deceased and being evaluated by administrators (played by Scott and Sydney) to determine his eternal fate. It's cleverly written with some very amusing dialogue at the expense of the Catholic Church (although there's plenty to go around other religious groups too). It's bright, sharp and pacy, and despite an ending that's a bit of a let down, it's certainly entertaining.

"Zarraberri" and "Limbo" run at Oran Mor until Saturday 24th May

Image by Leslie Black used with permission

"The Drawer Boy" - May 2008

I'm not long back from the Tron and to be honest I'm a little reluctant to write about "The Drawer Boy". I have a horrible feeling that in doing so I'm going to burst a bubble. I really enjoyed it, but I'm pretty fuzzy about why I enjoyed it so much, and if I think about it in detail I'm worried I'll lose the bigger picture. So, before I start, and for the record - this was a wonderful piece of theatre.

With a runtime of two hours writer Michael Healey should by rights be testing how far what is a fairly gentle piece can be stretched - but it never comes close to feeling its length. His tale of a young actor spending time with a pair of farmers in Canada as part of his research for a play is quite simply beautifully told. The comedy is gentle but clever, the relationships between the characters come across as genuine, and the structure works well. Add in some theatrical humour and a farm setting with sufficient authenticity to impress our friendly neighbourhood farmer and theatre blogger and it becomes more than it seems.

And of course the three excellent performances from an impressive cast help add a little something as well. As the young actor Miles, Brian Ferguson brings a subtlety that keeps the audience unsure about the balance of his relationship with the farmers, while Benny Young's Morgan is beautifully deadpan in his dealings with Miles but shows great depth in his relationship with the damaged Angus. But it's Brian Pettifer as Angus whose performance really resonates - impeccable timing and delivery both for comic and emotional impact.

This might not be theatre that's going to change the world and yes, by next week it will probably be a vague memory of having had an enjoyable night at the theatre, but right now it feels like I saw something special tonight.

The Drawer Boy runs at the Tron until 24th May

Image by Douglas Robertson used with permission

"Othello" on the radio... and other news

Just a short post to highlight the fact that BBC Radio 3 are broadcasting a version of "Othello" with Chiwetel Ejiofor and Ewan McGregor at the Donmar Warehouse. At the time there was a lot of discussion regarding it being seen only by a 'select few' so hopefully this will reach a wider audience - if not quite in the same way. The broadcast is on Sunday 4th May at 8pm and is part of the 'Drama on 3' slot.

And on a vaguely related note we're now planning our next London visit for May 2009 having managed to get some very nice tickets for "Madame De Sade" with Judi Dench. We will of course be making a weekend of it, so any suggestions for other shows around that time will be welcome.

"Educating Agnes" - April 2008

Firstly, it's only fair to admit that farce isn't really my cup of tea. For the most part I tend to find it a poor substitute for clever writing and that it panders to over-the-top performances. In fact I can only really think of two examples of farce I enjoy - TV's "Fawlty Towers" and "Frasier". So how did we end up at "Educating Agnes" then, with it's clear markings of farce? Well, we felt cheated having missed out on "Volpone" last year by Theatre Babel and weren't going to miss out again. And yes, Liz Lochhead's version of Moliere's "School For Wives" was indeed largely a traditional farce but it was also... wonderful.

Although Lochhead's switching of dialogue between accents and her use of rhyme takes a few moments to get used to, it very quickly becomes all part of the fun and the cleverness of the language makes up for the simple situations. There is much humour to be found simply through the absurdity of a burst of modern slang in an otherwise genteel speech.

As Agnes, Anneika Rose has perhaps drawn the short straw - being pretty much the only straight role in the piece. As a result she is left out of much of the fun, but Rose successfully avoids making Agnes two dimensional. Lewis Howden and Maureen Carr are brilliantly comical as servants Alain and Georgette; John Kielty makes Horace believably charming and ignorant rather than just stupid, and Sean Scanlan puts in a fine performance as Chrysalde.

But there's no getting away from the fact that the show belongs to Kevin McMonagle as Arnolphe. It's a magical performance that always manages to stay just the right side of excess. Scenes and exchanges that on paper I would have cringed at the thought of are made to work beautifully and my only concern is that perhaps I shouldn't have been left feeling quite so much 'on his side'.

Graham McLaren's direction also played a large part in my enjoying of the show as he keeps the overall tone well short of 'panto' territory, although I would have liked to have seen (or at least heard) representations of a couple of the 'off stage' moments.

This was an immensely enjoyable evening that was rightfully very well received by the audience at the Citz.

"Educating Agnes" runs at the Citizens until 3rd May before visiting Perth and Oxford.
Image by Douglas McBride used with permission.

It Could Be You!

One of the reasons behind starting this blog was to share the joy of going to the theatre. Recent experiences have been seriously reducing that joy for me, and it's not the performances that are responsible. It's you...

OK, perhaps not you personally. Or at least I hope not.

It's you madam, the one so enthralled in the performance you're bouncing in your seat like a 3 year old, and pointing out the wonders on stage to your companion.

Oh and it's you. Yes, you. I know you're not really interested in the show. Your chatting through most of the first act showed me that. So why did you come back after the interval. Take a leaf out of the Whingers book and just head straight to the bar. And shut up.

Oh and not to forget you, sir. Yes it's unfortunate that you've had to step out in the middle of the performance. You disturbed several people in our row, plus all the people behind us. Then you came back, and did the same again. Then you had to go out again. Then you came back again. I can't think of any rational excuse for this, especially in a show that's 1 hour 25 minutes straight through. It wasn't exactly Wagner's Ring Cycle.

Now anyone can have to leave during a show - I had to recently when the heat of a theatre threatened to render me unconscious. Even worse it was a studio performance so there was no subtle way of doing it. I didn't try and return during the first act and also made the choice not to risk disturbing the second act and waited outside for Statler. You have to have a little respect for the people around you and the actors on stage.

Oh yes, the couple in the back row of a theatre who were sharing their love - whilst the lights were up at the interval.

Oh and ladies - the lights are down, the actors are on stage. You're meant to watch and listen to them, not carry on your really interesting conversation.

I hope I'm just unlucky and all the sweetie rustlers, toilet visiters, over indulgers, chatters, fidgeters are only there when I am. But I don't think so - I think they're everywhere. Unfortunately front of house isn't. If people can't be trusted to police themselves then theatres must take responsibility.

There is a balance obviously. You don't want the ushering to become so intrusive that they become part of the problem. However if someone leaves during a performance it has to be made clear that they cannot return. If someone is causing a problem during the first act, then stop them coming back for the second. Maybe the polite people are partly to blame. We don't complain enough, we settle for glares and gripping the arm rest. Who knows what the people on stage think - in some of the venues they must be completely aware of what's going on in the audience.

Most theatres now announce about mobile phones - perhaps they need to make that list longer.

This isn't a new problem (see our 'Guide To Polite Theatre Going' from last year), but recent shows have been extraordinarily bad).